i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
