I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
