I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
