Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
