my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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