That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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