i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
