You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
