Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
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I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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