There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
