I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
