First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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