My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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