This house was built for laser tag.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
