Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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