so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The uberlube is also flammable
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
