this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
