dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
