we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
