I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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