So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
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You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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