fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
