he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
