this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
