he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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