someone threw a dead crab at me
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
