His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
