so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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