dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
