some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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