Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
