i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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