They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
