I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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