i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He kissed a someone with a penis
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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