I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
