life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
