remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
