Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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