spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
