I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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