my phone needs a breathalizer
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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