wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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