So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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