the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
