Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
