dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
