There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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