His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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