you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
