You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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