I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
