I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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