Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
