that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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