we have pet lesbian snakes
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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