You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
