it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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