you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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